Born and raised in Kigali, Rwanda, Jessica began to learn the ways of Islam at a young age. She did as her family did and did exactly how they told her to when it came to her faith. At the tender age of 16, she moved to a small Island two hours away from Seattle, Washington and found herself lost as she was thrust into a new culture that challenged her beliefs and rattled her religious foundation. From there, she moved to Towson, Maryland for University, where she began to search for answers about what it meant to be Muslim. I interviewed Jessica, a really good friend of mine, to hear more about her spiritual journey.
Tell me about your faith growing up. What’s your background?
The first memory I have of my faith is when I was three or four years old. I went to the Quran school. It was during holidays, so it was everyday – Monday through Sunday – learning the Quran from scratch. And that first started with learning the Arabic alphabet so that I could read the Quran and pray. I started learning about faith when I was very little, mostly because of my dad. His family is very strict. He went to Mecca, can read the entire Quran, and can speak Arabic. So, it was really important for him that my brothers and I be educated in terms of religion. I didn’t really like it because we’d get whipped if we didn’t come back with the lessons memorized. It was a really stressful time. I didn’t really understand why I was learning this foreign language. I didn’t understand the reason behind it. And then we learned how to pray, and if you missed your prayer, you’d get in trouble because you were monitored at all times. Everyone asked you, “Did you do your morning prayer? Did you do your midday prayer? Did you do your three o’ clock prayer?” All five prayers. It’s kind of annoying if you’re a kid.Although I’m the girl in my family, I’ve always been outspoken. So, it was weird that my brothers had to lead the prayers and I would be behind. I was always more advanced than them in the Quran because I liked languages. They would lead the prayers and when they didn’t know what to say, I would interrupt the prayer and tell them what to say. You’re not supposed to do that! I would always get in trouble for those things. When I was nine or ten, I got to a point where I could compete to recite the Quran. I liked it because of the competition and not because I knew what faith meant. I knew my parents really cared about it and I’m a people-pleaser, so I wanted to please them, but I also wanted to be the center of attention. I would compete and do all these things, but I don’t think I knew what it meant. I knew how to read the Quran, but I didn’t read to understand how it connected to me as a person who didn’t speak Arabic. I used to ask myself why the language of Islam was Arabic and how it connected to me. It didn’t click until much later. My faith growing up was very much led by my parents and my grandmother, my dad’s mum.
How has your faith changed since you left Rwanda?
It has changed tremendously. It has honestly been a rollercoaster. It went from me being a practicing Muslim, praying five times a day, and then going to Seattle and living with a family who didn’t believe in any religion, let alone Islam. They would ask me, “If you say you’re Muslim, what do you think about terrorists and why don’t the quote unquote good Muslims call out the bad Muslims?” That’s such a loaded question to ask a 16-year old who’s trying to fit into a new culture. I would say, “I don’t know! Not all Muslims kill people. I don’t kill people!” I remember one of my college essays was about me becoming a “moderate” Muslim. I needed to tell people that I was Muslim but that they shouldn’t be scared of me. Whenever I would tell people my name was Zula, they would tell me it was a really unique name and then ask me what it meant. I would say, “It’s an Arabic name because my family is Muslim. I’m Muslim…but I’m a moderate Muslim!” I started saying that just a few months after coming to the US. And then I stopped praying as much as I used to because I would disappear to pray, and people would ask me what I was doing. I didn’t feel comfortable explaining that I had to disappear multiple times a day to go pray. I also lost the community that I had at home. I wasn’t going to the Mosque as often as I used to. In fact, I don’t think there was a Mosque on the island where I lived. It was two hours away from Seattle and I think there were very few Mosques in Seattle as well.I went from practicing my faith the way I was taught by my family to doing nothing because I was so scared of being judged. And then I came to college. At some point, I felt lost. “What am I doing? I don’t know. I don’t feel as happy inside as I used to feel. What’s that about?” So, I started searching within me. I met another student at Goucher who was also Muslim. I also found the Institute for Islamic, Christian, and Jewish Studies. I met people from there and I started talking to them and they brought back the “Islamic spark” in me. I also met a school official who was Muslim as well. So, I started searching again for my faith, I guess. I think the more I grew up and the more I thought about my purpose and my faith, the more I started to search for my own definition of Islam. I acknowledge what I was taught when I was little because I needed that basic knowledge to read the Quran and to listen to different Islamic leaders online; but I wanted to create my own connection with it because I wasn’t being forced to listen to my dad anymore and to do what he thought Islam was supposed to be for our family. I don’t think I’ve found the definition yet, but I’m still looking for it. Now, I’m proud to be Muslim. I’m not scared anymore.
I know you’re on this journey of spiritual/religious self-discovery. Have you explored any other religions?
I have! Multiple times. For a lot of reasons. I talked about my dad’s love for Islam and his commitment to the religion and him being so strict. But my mum is “moderate”, and I think that’s where I found that term. She’s not as strict as my dad. The reason she’s that way is because her mum, my grandma, was Catholic before marrying my grandpa. I was super close with her before she passed away. Her openness to other faiths was so inspiring to me. The way she chose to give up her Christianity for the person she was marrying has always been so inspiring to me. She went to Mecca when she was 70! It took her all those years to go to Mecca because of financial reasons, but also because she was still kind of deciding between Christianity and Islam. She still had a Bible at home and a lot of her relatives were Christian, so she would still go to church for weddings and things like that. She would talk to me about it. Because of her, I was always open to other religions. You can’t do that back home, though. You can’t just say, “I’m going to church to explore.” Everybody’s going to think you’re crazy and that you’re giving up your community and your family’s heritage. I didn’t [explore] when I was home; I started when I came to the US. I started going to church with a lot of my friends. I talked about the host family that I had back in Seattle, but I had multiple people who became like family. One of the families was Episcopal. They helped me with my transition to college and helped me fundraise money for my first year. They were so nice, yet they didn’t know who I was. They always said they were doing it for Jesus and because their faith taught them to welcome people even though they didn’t know them. For me that was a really beautiful thing and I wanted to explore the faith or the church that taught them that. So, I would go to church with them every Sunday and I became really close with their Pastor. Actually, he writes me sometimes.At the end of my senior year of high school, I did a pilgrimage called El Camino. It’s a Christian pilgrimage and people just walk and connect with nature. You make it an intention to see the beauty that God created. We started in Lisbon and ended in Spain. In the end, all the pilgrims met up in a huge cathedral. There was mass and then an opportunity to talk to the priest and confess. I did that. At that time, I was just a confused kid. I was telling this priest about my life. I told him that I didn’t know where I was going to end up because most of the colleges I applied to didn’t take me since I needed so much [financial aid]. I was crying. I had never done that before and he was so open. He didn’t speak good enough English to understand me but somehow, we understood each other. It was a really powerful moment. It was proof of how religion can connect strangers. That interaction made me more open to different religions. Then, when I was in Paris, this girl that I knew, took me to Hillsong and I had an amazing time there as well. We had this moment where we cried. I’m just prone to connecting to people. I find myself connecting to religious people because I find that they’re more open to strangers and loving other people.
Who are some of your spiritual/religious influences?
Definitely my grandma (my mum’s mother). More so because of the way that she incorporated what she learned in her religion into her actions towards people. Her house was always full of people. She loved cooking for them. All my friends, when she passed away, were texting me and reminding me of the little moments that they shared with her when they went to her house. She loved welcoming people and caring for them. My mum told me that when she was growing up, it was the same thing for her and her siblings. Her kindness and openness towards people really inspired me. I think it was both of her faiths – both Christianity and Islam made her like that. She would always tell us that. Whenever I talk to my cousins and uncles and everyone at home who knew her, they always say that her faith inspired them. It’s so sad to say but I think after she died, we became aware of the limit of life and became aware that we shouldn’t waste it. [My grandma] didn’t waste any opportunity to be close to God and to be close to God’s creation, more specifically people. We’ve all been touched by her death and we’ve all been inspired by the amount of love that she gave that people would tell us about after she passed. I think [her death] was a wakeup call for me to reconnect to the faith that I had lost after coming to the US. It was my freshman year of college, after spending a year and a half in Washington, being so confused, and almost giving up on my faith that she died. I was reminded that [faith] is such an important thing to have in your life.My mum as well. Her journey specifically. Her dad introduced Islam to her mum, but he passed away when she was ten. Because of that, she didn’t have a huge connection to Islam like my dad did. But then she came into her own household with a man who was a strict Muslim and she accepted it so gracefully. She didn’t wear the hijab when she married my dad. I think she started wearing it after giving birth to my little brother, which was much later, maybe 2004. The way she embodies Islam in her everyday life is inspirational. She’s a really loving woman.
And then my dad, in his own way. We don’t always see things the same way, but the important things that I know about Islam, I definitely owe them to him. He also inspires me.
Do you think people need religion or belief in a higher power in their lives?
I definitely think it’s necessary. Because when you do believe that there’s a higher power in your life, you don’t take anything for granted; not time, not people. You’re nicer towards people because you know that they aren’t just planted in your life out of coincidence or without any purpose. You see everything with purpose when you believe that there’s a higher power guiding you. I definitely think it’s important to believe in…something.If I say Jesus, what are the first three words that come to your mind?
Prophet, because he’s considered a prophet in Islam. Leader, I think, because a lot of people follow him and his message. And…example. I think all of those words come from my knowledge of Jesus in the Quran and also from people like you who truly make Jesus the center of their lives. It’s multiple perspectives from different people, scriptures, and books._____________________________________________
Jesus truly loves you.
With love,
Mandile.
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