a testimony: life sucks sometimes

This is a very raw piece of writing.

I’ve mentioned this a couple of times in my previous posts and you’re probably tired of hearing it, but for the purpose of this story, I’ll say it again. I had a horrible summer 2017. Those three months were the worst three months of my life. Anyway, after that experience, I committed to making summer 2018 better (as much as I could, anyway) and part of that involved working on campus (so that I would have a place to stay and money) or doing an internship in Baltimore. During the fall and spring semesters, I applied for several internships and jobs. I didn’t get any internships, but I did manage to land two job interviews. I had been praying and praying for a job throughout the spring semester and when I was given the opportunity to interview for two jobs that were both on-campus, I was incredibly optimistic. While I was studying abroad in Paris, I interviewed for the job that I really wanted. Unfortunately, I didn’t get it. I was heartbroken. I arrived in the USA not knowing what I would be doing for the summer and it seemed like it would be summer 2017 all over again. I spent one week in New Jersey, one week in Pennsylvania (for an event), and then returned to New Jersey, still with nothing sorted out. I was in limbo. Finally, after lots of prayers, I was offered the position for the second job!

I traveled to Baltimore with a small suitcase and began my summer journey. I should preface this next section by stating that I prayed and prayed, asking God for a better summer. I asked that either I would go home and see my family or work on-campus. He gave me the latter and I was more than okay with that. When I arrived on-campus, I stopped connecting with God; not on purpose, but because I was adjusting to a new schedule and a relatively new environment. Basically, I had other stuff to do (yes, that’s an awful mindset). I was just kind of…living my life. One Thursday, after two weeks of work, I received an email from a school official telling me there was a complication with one of my international student documents that would legally forbid me from working in the USA and getting paid. As soon as I got the email, my heart began to race, and negative thoughts filled my head. I called my mum, told her what was going on, and didn’t give her time to give me advice, because that’s not what I wanted. I told her I would talk to my advisers and other people on campus and I said goodbye. I needed time to process my thoughts. I walked to the supermarket as worry took over me. I was sad and angry at God. Not working meant not having a place to stay over the summer, not being able to pay my bills, and not being able to provide for myself. Emotionally and mentally, it wouldn’t have been a great situation.

I didn’t talk to anyone that day, especially not God. I watched Marvel’s Cloak & Dagger and sobbed. That Friday, my mum (thank Jesus for her!) called me and the first thing she told me to do was to look to God. Tears streamed down my face. I didn’t want to hear that, but I knew she was right. I knew the first person I should’ve “called” when I got the news wasn’t my mother (I’m thankful she answered, though), it was God. I shouldn’t have sought human wisdom, but rather prayed. She consoled me and reminded me who God was. I didn’t talk to Him that day because I was mad. While all this was happening, I didn’t know what I was going to do. The document was very important, and any complication was irreversible and any damage to it, physical or systematic, was irreparable. I had two options: stay on campus and not work (but still have to pay the housing fee which would be impossible since I wasn’t working. So that wasn’t really an option, actually) or go home to Zimbabwe (which would cost an arm and a leg because I would be buying the ticket last minute). I had no control over the situation. Whatever happened, happened.

As worries flooded my mind, I became weak. I was physically, mentally, and emotionally weak – paralyzed by the situation. I couldn’t do anything. That Saturday evening, I was craving a chocolate muffin (mostly for consolation). As I made my way to the local grocery store, I made a detour. I don’t know why, but I did. I started crying as I walked around campus looking for a place to sit and cry some more. I started talking to God aloud. I didn’t care if people saw me (maybe I cared a little); I just needed to tell Him how I was feeling. I told Him that I was weak and that I couldn’t believe He had brought me to campus just to make me lose my job after only two weeks of work. I told him that if He had let me go home the previous year, this situation wouldn’t have happened. I told Him that I just didn’t get it. I didn’t get why He wanted me to have a bad summer. I sat on a wooden chair under a tree as the sun set. There was another wooden chair right next to it. I talked, hoping that I God would reply. I wanted to scream, but I was…weak. I turned on some music and began to worship Him, because that’s what I felt led to do. I cried and worshipped and cried and worshipped. I sang with the little strength I had left. Although I was sad, I suddenly felt at peace. God was hugging me. He wasn’t telling me to “suck it buttercup”. He was holding me, telling me it was okay for me to be sad. He made it clear to me that what wasn’t okay was that I had received a gift (the job) but had forgotten the Giver. I had been working but not spending time with Him at all.

Wow. When the Holy Spirit acts, you know. I felt my strength come back to my body (no joke, this happened!) I was still sad but, at that moment, I was reminded of what a GOOD GOD I serve! A good God who doesn’t ignore my tears but collects them in a jar! A good God who keeps track of my sorrows and calls me to come to Him when I am weary. I have never felt so consoled in my life than I did that day under the tree. I was weak, but I found strength in my Father.

When I felt strong enough, I proceeded to walk to the grocery store to get my chocolate muffin. It was really good! However, I didn’t need it for consolation anymore. My God had done that.

On Sunday, I didn’t go to church. I chose to spend time with the Lord on my own and to hear what He had to say. I was still worried but so much more hopeful. I knew that whatever happened, didn’t just happen. It happened because God had me right where he wanted me, and the outcome of the situation was what He knew was right for me. I handed Him the reigns and told Him to take over. I didn’t want the burden and He was more than willing to take it upon Himself. That Sunday was a good day. I went to work on Monday to talk to my boss and she told me not to come in again until further notice, which was disheartening and scary. I did some scripture studies that Tuesday and they were so relevant to my situation! Later that day, I got an email from my boss telling me that there had been a "mistake" (crazy, right!) and that I was more than welcome to continue working starting the following day (yay!). As I said earlier, I thought any damage to that document was irrevocable. What I didn’t know is that my God is greater than any precious document. What is irreversible to me is temporary to Him! What seems humanly impossible is more than possible to Him.

This was a sucky thing that happened to me. Sucky things happen and that’s okay. It’s also okay to be sad, as long as you remember that you serve a MIGHTY God!

Jesus truly loves you.

With love,
Mandile.